Tech Support questions: (jokes) These are actual calls to Tech support help desks

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to "The Internet."
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work."

Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.

Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

A Customer: calls a UNIX consultant with a question:

Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program ?
UNIX Consultant: Yes, that's correct.
Customer: No, what is it ?
UNIX Consultant: Yes.
Customer: So, which is the one?
UNIX Consultant: No. 'which' is used to find the program.
Customer: Stop this. Who are you?
UNIX Consultant: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about yoo'.
Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?
UNIX Consultant: Use 'what'.
Customer: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?
UNIX Consultant: No. 'true' gives you 0.
Customer: Which one?
UNIX Consultant: 'true' gives you 0. 'which program name'.
Customer: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?
UNIX Consultant: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.
Customer: I want to find the revision code.
UNIX Consultant: You can't 'find revision code', you must use 'what program'.
Customer: Which command will do what I need?
UNIX Consultant: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.
Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.
UNIX Consultant: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.
Customer: Write what?
UNIX Consultant: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.
Customer: Cut that out!
UNIX Consultant: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.
Customer: Do you always do this?
UNIX Consultant: 'du' will give you disk usage.
Customer: HELP!
UNIX Consultant: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).
Customer: You make me angry.
UNIX Consultant: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make program name' when I was upset once.
Customer: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.
UNIX Consultant: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.
Customer: Nice help! I'm confused more now!
UNIX Consultant: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help' and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.
Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
UNIX Consultant: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.